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Dear Morgan
It’s August. It’s been almost a year since I’ve spoken to you. I tried to reach out on the date of Ryan’s death, but to no surprise I did not receive an email back. I’m sure you found ways to cope on your own.
I try not to spend too much time thinking about you, usually I just end up hurting my own feelings and it’s not worth the pain. I’m frustrated with how things ended. You tried to send me a snapchat video that I never got around to watching - you had blocked me before I even got the chance. The video disappeared after you had blocked me.
I’m not upset at you for leaving, for cutting me off. I assume it’s because it is what was best for you at the time. I’m not ever gunna try to hold you back from what’s best for you. I am hurt that I never got to talk to you about it though. I’m hurt that I wanted to talk but I wanted to wait until after our vacation was over, it was just pushed and pushed and pushed - if we could’ve just pushed past it until we got to the end of out trip things might not be the way they are.
You had Brendan come get you and then you were out the door and I never saw you again. And before you left you gave me this look like you were very hurt by what had happened, hurt that I wasn’t ready to give you a hug goodbye. You were saddened by the fact that I wasn’t willing or ready to be open to you yet. I was still processing.
The biggest difference between you and I on that trip is this: you are experienced and I am not. You had done plenty of traveling and hiking in the woods and understanding of how things may work in certain places and what be it. I was trying to follow the safety rules of the national parks that we were in, I didn’t want an accident to happen. It was the furthest I had ever been from home and I didn’t have the same knowledge that you had.
I also couldn’t help but feel a certain level of petty between both you and Leah. You’re an incredibly competitive person, and it is not necessarily a bad thing by any means, but it does make for some harder conversations when I have to tell you when you’ve offended someone. There was a large lack of understanding from both sides. I was being a control freak out of anxiety and lack of knowledge. You were traveling the way you normally do, alone. When you are normally traveling you are able to just do whatever you want and I guess I just felt like that wasn’t exactly the kind of trip we were on.
I know you were going through a lot at the time. I did everything that I could to try to be understanding and helpful during all of that. Man, you had a glass of wine in your hand for the entire trip. I get it, but Leah wasn’t used to the drinking and driving, our licenses were on the line and we were on the opposite side of the country. I know it’s not something you need a lecture about either.
Look dude, I’m sorry that I was controlling on this trip. I’m sorry that I was struggling to be more open about why I was upset. I tried to let you know I was still processing but it wasn’t a good enough answer for you at the time. You really didn’t wanna hear “lets talk about this later”. I didn’t have the emotional capacity, it had been a long couple of weeks traveling with two girls who very obviously did not like each other very much.
I was hurt by what you did to Leah regarding Sean and his lady as well. Both you and I had been pulled aside by Sean to talk about how he was interested in Leah. I remember Sean specifically telling me that he had pulled you aside earlier to talk about Leah. And the part that hurt me was not that you went out and had a good time with Sean, it was when you got back to the airbnb, got out of the car and started talking about “The only reason we never slept together in high school is because…” - I had to turn around and walk away. I knew you never had a thing for Sean and it was a competitive thing with Leah. We got back inside and you completely denied ever having a conversation stating that Sean was into Leah.
I called you out too. I called you out in that Mexican restaurant because you wouldn’t leave it the fuck alone. You wouldn’t just have the drinks with me. You wouldn’t just enjoy the rest of the vacation with me and Leah. You had to know what was happening inside my head. I couldn’t take it anymore so I yelled at you inside of the Mexican restaurant man, I told you exactly how you made me feel and exactly how you’ve always made me feel. I was 2 manhattans in and ready to fucking go.
The part that hurt the worst for me was getting 0 explanation. None whatsoever. And then instead of waiting for a response, you blocked me on everything. It was cowardly of you, I’ve never seen you scared to respond to a bitch on the internet, I must’ve really scared ya.
and still, through all of the shit we dealt with on that trip and all of the things we got into, all the hurt and the drama, I do still miss you. All the time.
I’ll never laugh with anyone like I laugh with you. I’ll never connect with anyone like I connect with you. I’ll never find anyone who can come close to replacing you. You know all my secrets and hopes and dreams and now you’re off in the world somewhere and I don’t know that I’ll ever hear from you again.
Hot Springs, Yellowstone National Park
I lost everyone this year.
Every close friend I had. The ones that had been around for over a decade are now pieces of the dusty memories I hold inside my mind. The love that I have for these people will never grow faint or weary. However, the love I have for these peoples has suffocated me for years.
Looking past all the painful mistakes has not been an easy feat. I never helped myself by feeling responsible for these people. I never needed to feel obligated to be of help. But being who I am, I can’t help this never ending need to help whenever and wherever I can. Especially if I love you. But that’s also where manipulation reels her ugly face and takes advantage.
I’m really happy that you’re working on being okay in general. I’m proud of you for it actually. I have only ever wanted you to feel as though you can be yourself and to feel safe and to be safe. And if that can’t happen around me, who am I to say that you’re wrong? I hope you take advantage of everything life has to offer you, pain and suffering being some of those advantages when learning about who you are. I look forward to who I will find myself being while slowly disentangling you from my thoughts and from my life.
Good luck to you both. Hopefully, you won’t need to come back.
